Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
