you didnt know i had herpes?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
