I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
