I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
