I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
