Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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