take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
