I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She told me I should be a condom model.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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