An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
