She said her name was "party"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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