Already got asked if we're dating
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
