They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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