My friends, they love my intelligence
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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