dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
