Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
