i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
