I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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