Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
