Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My vagina just recognized that song.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
