so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
