great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
