he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
