I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
