Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
