Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
