great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
me + whiskey = a bad person
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
