You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
