I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
