In the future we'll all be gay
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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