i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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