Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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