I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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