This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
