That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
