new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
