Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
