I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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