i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
