a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I lost the right to judge tonight
did i just pee glitter
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
