John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
