So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
