You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
