I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
