forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
