Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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