There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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