I faked an abortion last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
