Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
