I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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