Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
